The Facebook Perplex

Since around 2006, social media – particularly Facebook – has been a big part of my daily routine. I learned a while back, though, to be cautious about what I posted to my 600+ friends, avoiding overly personal status updates and not sharing intimate details about my life; with one exception: my relationship status. I’ve had two serious girlfriends since my separation and divorce and both were, at different times, listed as my partners on Facebook. Back then, I didn’t see the harm in it, in fact, at the beginning, it was quite exhilarating to be “Facebook Official”. I recently found, though, that it is not necessarily your own updates you have to be cautious with; rather updates by others that could do harm. Both of the relationships I had ended – both face to face and on Facebook. As soon as my relationship status changed, however, I deleted the posts off my wall. I wasn’t up for acquaintances posting hollow, seemingly sympathetic comments on my newfound single status. I wanted to deal with the break-ups in my own time. Sadly the same could not be said for my recent ex, who had around 12 or so comments on her new status. I didn’t want to look, but I admit, I did. That was hard to see, but not nearly as hard as what came barely a month after our break-up had become official. While scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed I glimpsed her newest update; she was now “in a relationship”. Just 30 or so days after she had moved out of the home that we once shared, she had become “official” with someone else. To say the least, I was shocked. I was still trying to get over her; trying to learn how to cope with the mixed feelings I was having about being alone, missing her, coming home to an empty house filled with lousy old furniture (she always had more stuff than I did), trying not to break down in those moments that I realised just how isolated I was, finding things she’d left behind and becoming sentimental – even over an old hair brush - generally just feeling very sorry for myself. “So why not remove her on Facebook…” you may ask? There is no logical answer to that. I wanted to know how she was, though I know it probably wasn’t the healthiest thing, and honestly, we have enough mutual friends who would have passed it through the digital grapevine anyway. I fell apart after I saw her new relationship status and this is the first time I have spoken about it openly. Whether it was my pride primarily that was hurt, I don’t know. It raised so many questions; how long had she known this guy? Had they been in contact when we were together? Had all the times she told me she loved me been a lie? I’m sorry, but it’s hard to get over someone you’ve loved and lived with in the long-term, let alone in one month. How could I have been forgotten and swept out of her mind like so much dust on a dirty floor in so short a time? Had I meant nothing to her? Was this guy the antithesis of me? Was he better? Was he less of a failure in her eyes or was this simply a rebound for her? So while I continued to miss her, she was with someone new. Any way you look at that, it hurts. This is the damage that Facebook can do – and I’m sure it is capable of doing far worse. No, Facebook is not responsible for the things people post but it is a platform that allows people to get hurt. I have sworn off the social media network for the better part of two months now and I’m not sure if I’ll ever go back. I get updates from important people I’ve subscribed to via my phone but that’s as far as it goes. I am trying to put my life together without invasive distractions. The dilemma, however, is this: do I kill my Facebook account to avoid similarly painful experiences in the future and give up all the networking opportunities I’ve had there? It’s a double-edged sword. I have made contact with many professionals who could potentially help my career, and even found a very lucrative contract job through a Facebook friend. No matter what you do, though, it’s hard not to let personal things bleed into your Facebook persona. I never want to feel like I did after seeing that status update again. The sight of it put me at death’s door. It was difficult to claw my way back. I will say this, if I ever do decide to lick my wounds and return to the offending social network, my relationship status will remain private. Of all the people in my friends list on Facebook, there are probably only 20 or so that truly matter, and there are other ways of staying in touch with them about my personal life. For now, Twitter is my new-found social media obsession. People don’t post overly personal news on Twitter (though this post may be an exception, I confess), generally, and the content is far more interesting. It’s a direct link to people you admire and far more about instant gratification than Facebook. While you may come across updates about what people had for lunch that day, on the same page you come across a wealth of interesting articles, video, music and generally content that is of interest, rather than intimately personal. I wonder how many suicides, broken marriages, devastating consequences or shattered reputations have come out of Facebook updates. I wonder how many others are hurt daily by flippant remarks or unexpected bombshells that have been dropped on its trademark blue and white news feed. Before Facebook, people’s lives were far more private. I wonder how many others long for a return to that privacy. This piece is not designed to ignite debate, and I’m sure that many of you have already made judgments about me based on what I’ve said. Nonetheless, this is simply a little testimony to how Facebook made me feel. Perhaps there are some of you out there who have felt the same. I will say this in closing, though: Be mindful of what you put out there publicly. In this day and age we all have a face on the Worldwide Web. Be careful how much of that face you show to the world and who you injure in the process.